


(Love Is) A Two-Way Street

by Halmaithor



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Boyfriend Magnus Bane, M/M, Nightmares, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-07 22:03:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21224945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halmaithor/pseuds/Halmaithor
Summary: Set after 2.15, 'A Problem of Memory'. After Valentine’s body-switch, Magnus isn’t the only one who has trouble sleeping.





	(Love Is) A Two-Way Street

_‘Alexander? …No, no, please-’  
He meets Valentine’s gaze coldly, shoving him into the chair. Herondale is right – this has gone on long enough. Valentine isn’t talking, and if the Clave won’t give the order to mete out justice, they’ll handle it themselves.  
‘Please, Alexander, it’s _me._’ Alec feels a surge of anger. He’s had enough of this game. Besides, is Valentine even trying? Magnus would never beg like this._

_The Inquisitor presses the knife into his hand, and Valentine’s eyes go wide in fear. ‘No – no, Alexander, _please-_!’  
The knife tears through Valentine’s throat, silencing him._

_He looks small in death, brought low as he should be. The blood spills down tawny skin, and the eyes are lifeless, dull, even as the glamour flickers out and leaves them golden, and Alec drops the knife in wordless horror because it’s _Magnus_, it was him the whole time, and his hands reach out to touch, to mend – but it’s too late, he’s gone, Alec _killed _him he killed Magnus and oh god he can’t breathe-_

Alec wakes, the fear still swirling in his mind. He blinks the sleep from his eyes, trying to get his bearings, and turns his head to the right – Magnus is there, sound asleep. Alec listens to his boyfriend’s steady breathing and wills himself to calm down.

He drags a hand down his face, stifling a sigh. _Not again._ Going back to sleep seems impossible, so Alec slowly gets out of bed, trying not to disturb Magnus, and pads out to the kitchen, ignoring the cold floors underneath his bare feet. He gets himself a glass of water – more because he needs something to do with his hands than because he’s thirsty – and trudges over to the softer of the two couches, curling up in the far corner and trying to ignore the uncomfortable feeling of being both exhausted and wide awake. 

He sits there a while, listening to the gentle _tick-tick-tick _of the clock, focusing on his breathing. His mind starts to wander, his earlier fear fading into a sort of pensive melancholy. Away from the warm bed and even warmer Magnus, he feels the chill begin to creep into his bones – but he can’t quite muster the energy to walk over and grab the blanket from the back of the other couch, so he stubbornly curls up a little tighter, tucking his feet underneath him.

‘Alexander?’ He hears Magnus’ bleary voice come from the bedroom, and feels a pang of guilt that his efforts to be quiet have obviously failed. _Should have used a stealth rune_, he thinks, only half-joking. Magnus has only just started sleeping properly again after the body switch with Valentine, and Alec hates to be the new reason his boyfriend can’t get a good night’s rest.

Magnus wanders over to join him on the couch, sitting close with an exaggerated shiver. ‘Why are you out here in the cold?’ he asks, waving a hand absentmindedly, and Alec feels the air around them warm up a little.  
‘Couldn’t sleep,’ he says, aiming for a casual tone.  
Magnus hums thoughtfully. ‘This is the… fourth night? The fifth?’

Alec looks down at the glass in his hands, turning it in a slow rhythm. Apparently, it’s not just tonight that his stealth has been lacking. ‘I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m sorry.’  
Magnus waves away the apology. ‘I’m not worried about that. I’m a little worried about _you_, though.’ Alec shrugs and tries to look nonchalant, the _I’m fine_ implied, but Magnus persists. ‘Alec, if something’s wrong, you can tell me.’ His tone is probing, but gentle.

Alec wants to say _It’s nothing, really, _but his tiredness makes him more honest than he’d like. ‘No, I can’t.’  
‘Why not?’  
‘You’ve got enough to deal with right now. I don’t wanna add to it.’ They’re quiet for a moment, and Alec’s mind drifts back to Magnus’ confession, how _broken_ he sounded recounting the memory forced on him by the agony rune. Pain that Alec could have spared him if he hadn’t been so blind.

Magnus shuffles closer, lifting Alec’s arm and settling it over his shoulders. He snaps his fingers, and the blanket from the other couch wraps itself around them. ‘I appreciate the thought, Alexander,’ he says, ‘but this isn’t a one-way street. There’s space for both of us to need a little taking care of.’ When he doesn’t get a response, Magnus sighs, and gently reaches up to turn Alec’s face back towards him. ‘Please let me help,’ he says softly.

Alec wants to hold firm, because he can do this, he can shoulder this alone and just be there for the man he loves.  
But Magnus had said _please_. _Please let me help.  
No, Alexander, _please_-!  
_And suddenly, Alec can’t hold it in any longer. ‘What happened in the cell,’ he says, the words tumbling out, and he can’t look at Magnus anymore. ‘I can’t get it out of my head. Because it was _you_, I was hurting _you_, and then with the Inquisitor, if Valentine hadn’t shown himself, what if I didn’t stop her from-‘ He cuts himself off, unable to finish, and takes a deep, steadying breath. He forces himself to meet Magnus’ eyes again, because this part’s important, and he needs to make sure Magnus _knows. _‘I should have believed you when you told me what had happened. I should have _known _it was you. And I am so, so sorry.’

Magnus just stares at him for a moment, seeming a little surprised by the outburst but otherwise unreadable, and Alec’s heart beats double-time waiting for him to respond.  
When he does, it’s with a look of understanding, his hand coming up to Alec’s cheek. ‘I don’t blame you, Alexander,’ he says. ‘It was _Valentine. _Playing mind games is his _modus operandi _– just look at what he did to your parabatai_. _I desperately wanted you to believe me, but I know why you couldn’t.’His eyes flick away for a moment. ‘What happened was… well, I was going to say difficult, but frankly it was fucking awful. And it’s taking me longer than I’d hoped to bounce back from it.’ He looks back at Alec, his gaze sincere. ‘But I don’t blame you.’

Alec swallows the lump in his throat, tightening his arm around Magnus. ‘Well, I’m glad,’ he says, ‘because I want to help. I want to… be here. For you.’  
Magnus smiles, leaning up to kiss his cheek, and it feels like absolution. ‘I know. And you are.’ He stands up, disrupting the cocoon of warmth they’d developed, and Alec makes a small noise of complaint. ‘But neither of us are going to be any good to anyone unless we get some sleep. Come back to bed.’ He takes Alec’s hands, leading him back to the bedroom, and Alec goes willingly.

It’s another few nights before Alec stops seeing those lifeless golden eyes in his dreams, stops waking in fear and grief. But now, instead of leaving, he curls towards Magnus, and he is unfailingly met with a half-aware mumble and an arm flung around his waist, inviting him close. Lying there in the warmth of quiet forgiveness, it’s easy to go back to sleep.


End file.
